I’ve not blogged in a while. I can’t even begin to think what I wrote about in my last post. In fact, I can’t believe it’s been almost two months since I signed in here! Several times I concocted blog posts in my mind, only to forget what I had dreamt of later in the day. I never get a chance to just sit and let my thoughts flow onto a page which is a shame because sometimes I think I might have something interesting to say!
The thing is, I feel compelled to write again at this moment because in just a few days time, our last baby turns ONE whole year old! I am feeling rather tearful about it all, our little Makena, officially a toddler. She really has brought so much more love and happiness into our family, a bright, bubbly, active and frankly, pretty hilarious little girl who we are grateful for every day. In fact barely a day goes by when I don’t want to pinch myself. A mum of three beautiful children, my heart is so full of love for them and they are more than I could ever wish for. OK so I’m gushing now but this is just me taking a moment to reflect on the awesomeness that is motherhood. Because, for all its awesomeness it can be pretty tough at times too. Time to celebrate the best bits!
Since I last ‘blogged’, we’ve whizzed through the first half term of school. Muruthi has settled in so well, we had the initial week or so of “I don’t want to go to school”, but never really much resistance and now he happily walks to school reciting his phonics every morning and I am one proud Mama. He’s quietly confident and very enthusiastic and I know he’s bright.
Middle bro Riri started pre-school shortly after, at the start of October. He too, adapted to the change without really flinching. We’ve had the odd occasion where he shed a few tears, tried and failed to hide behind my legs while his teacher wrangles him off me, and more recently have been challenged by his new trick of bolting out the door and not looking back once the day is over…I have to admit that’s been a tricky one to handle, talk about setting my nerves on edge! Otherwise, he’s settled well and clearly enjoys his time, happy to talk about his experiences in the many stories he spins.
Back to little Makena. She followed her brothers’ lead and was walking just after she turned 11 months. Another milestone smashed! She’s quickly gained confidence in her ability, first shoes have been hastily purchased, and there’s no stopping her now. Walking seems to have coincided with talking, and she’s a chatty little lady. Tooth number 4 is on its way this week, and she has a cute little gap between her top teeth just like her Papa and eldest bro.
The boys spent much of half term at Nanas house in the beautiful setting of coastal North Yorkshire. I can honestly say it doesn’t get more special than where they live and our kids are lucky to have had some fab holidays there. Who needs to go abroad?!
So that’s the tiddlers. I hadn’t planned on writing a blog purely documenting the mundane, but this is my life after all, and I want to capture my own memories. Anyone else noticed that since becoming a mum, their memory is pretty patchy at best? I put this down to chronic sleep deprivation, stress, and the fact that time just seems to fly with barely a moment to let anything sink in.
I saw a uni friend yesterday and she asked me “do you ever look back” – as in, to my short medical career. This question has prompted me to reflect a bit more on how I’ve been feeling about myself lately.
In the last couple of weeks I came to the realisation that I was feeling so much better than I had in a long time. Funnily enough, I wasn’t fully aware of it until I found myself applying concealer one day, plucking my eyebrows, and generally undertaking a little bit of self care and pride in my appearance! I cared about what I looked like, and I thought bloody hell, it’s been a long time since I was truly bothered enough to make that much fuss and enjoy doing so. I realised that my mood was generally a bit lighter, and i felt more human.
I have moments where I find myself pondering what life may have been like if I’d managed to get a grip on the anxiety surrounding work, and carry on training as a GP. Several of my friends have become GP’s lately or are close to it. I felt a little disappointment that I would not be in that position, purely for the reason that I enjoyed the interest of medicine. However, I have fully accepted who I am (NOT that it means I give up hope of managing my anxiety better), and I know that I wasn’t compatible with the chosen career. I do not miss it because it really had such a negative impact on who I was, I feel so much happier now, so how could I have any regrets? An old uni pal actually read this blog lately and contacted me afterward. She told me my decision was brave and admirable, and it made me want to share my ‘story’ again. I want other people in a similar position (whatever their career) to know they are not alone. Sounds cliche but it’s true.
One of the problems I had which I think made my anxiety worse, was that I felt trapped. I didn’t know what I would do if I left medicine or how I would be able to afford to jump ship. Just doing some research and working out whether I had other viable options was of great help. For some, it may be enough to know that you are not trapped, if things don’t improve. I know this was the case with my own Dad who had doubts during medical school and secured himself a place to do veterinary medicine instead. He didn’t switch in the end, and had a very successful career as a GP! For me, doing my research meant I made a clear headed decision, I had a plan and there was a way out.
So there’s me getting a little deep in reflection for a while. Enough!
I’m really enjoying being a full time, stay at home mum. My confidence has improved a bit too, just by forcing myself out to toddler groups for example. It’s so much easier going to these places when I can see week on week just how much it has benefited Makena in particular. To improve my ‘self worth’, I’ve ploughed myself into helping hubby Ben with his internet projects which earn us a bit of pocket money. This is great as I still feel like I’m contributing to our income. But otherwise I really don’t feel like I’d ever want this peaceful and harmonious situation to ever change! We agreed I’d take a year off while I deferred my teacher training place. Let’s see. There are still a lot of unknowns and uncertainties coming up which I’ll no doubt discuss in a future blog post, and next September is still quite a way off, so for now I’ll return to the present and enjoy the next few days building up to Makena’s birthday, reminiscing while I finish her photobook and absorbing as much of her remaining baby-ness as I can! Happy Birthday, Baby Girl xxx