I started blogging with great enthusiasm. Pretty quickly, time elapsed and I wasn’t keeping up with my idea of weekly posts. But then who am I doing this for?! The last few weeks have flown by. To be honest, I didn’t think I had much blog worthy content, but again I wasn’t sticking with my own mantra that this blog was my open diary.
I last posted as I had returned to work. Sadly, my anxieties related to my job came back full force. Perhaps I should have predicted it but my (probably rather maladaptive) coping mechanism of the past few years was to block a lot of stuff out. I’d get home from work and do my absolute best to be distracted away from thinking about things. Generally, my worries re-emerged overnight and I slept poorly. However going on mat leave means an extended time away, and I really had managed to disengage with a lot of the negativity. The problem is, it doesn’t deal with the problem!I wasn’t getting to the root cause of things. Long story short; I’m now finished.
Monday 20th August – my first day as an ‘official’ SAHM!
How do I feel? I feel somewhat relieved that I don’t have to go back to my training post. But I feel all out of sorts otherwise. It’s been 11 years of my life if we count uni, that I’ve been pursuing a medical career. It’s pretty gutting to say goodbye. And yet I’m not sure that I can say I’ll miss it. I’m just more upset that I wasn’t able to continue, beaten by anxiety, yes at times I feel like a complete failure but I’m sure that’s only natural! My family have been really supportive, friends too. I’m very grateful for that.
This week we’re just at home, filling our days with trips to the park and menial tasks, peppered with a baking session here and there. I only get time to sit and write or do ‘life admin’ in the evenings. Just because I am not at work, I am still working!! I am on duty 24/7, but I wouldn’t change it. Making sure the kids’ day is fun and stimulating is not to be taken lightly though, they’re clearly very bright and I aim to do my best to nurture their little imaginations.
Last weekend my boys went to my Mum and Dads again. This time, without us. I’ve spent two nights properly apart from the boys, last year my parents came and looked after them in our house while we were sent packing to the Lake District. So this was a fairly big deal! Four nights away, and I have to admit we all totally needed it! I missed them of course, but kept busy by decorating Makena’s nursery, now my favourite room in the house.
We hoped to move Makena into her room, and while I went to Whitby to collect the boys, PapaK moved her cot. Her first night was a total success, just one feed all night. Needless to say, you know whats coming next. She’s never been a great sleeper, none of my babies slept through the night till at least one. But since her first night she’s been awake more than usual! I’m knackered! Teething has a lot to answer for. Either it’s that or another developmental ‘leap’. who knows?! She’s crawling now though! The boys didn’t crawl, they just walked at 11 months, so this is pretty fun!
The other change over the last few weeks has been breastfeeding, or lack of. In the lead up to my return to work, I introduced more bottles, but couldn’t seem to pump enough for them, so used more formula. Of course, the less she breastfed, the less milk I had. I was surprised how quickly my supply dropped off though. I now only have enough to feed in the night, so she has three bottles in the daytime. I’m pretty sure it’ll be dropped altogether in a week or so. Riri fed for 9 months, it seems that’s roughly my limit! It makes me super emotional to think I may never feed another baby again (so I try and block it all out!).
Another big milestone fast approaching is the start of school for Muruthi. I’m so glad that I can be around for his first day. He asked me a while ago if I could drop him off and pick him up from school every day. I was so relieved that I could say yes! I’ve bought and ironed all his school uniform (took advantage of M&S early bird 20% off!), and topped up on the polo shirts ready for Riri to start pre school in October (woohoo!). Initially, we didn’t get a place at the school where Muruthi was attending pre school. It paid to appeal though, and it’s great to think he will be staying in familiar surroundings and that little bro will soon be joining him each afternoon. Nursery and reception class do a lot together so they literally will be reunited!
It’s taken me two sessions to write this rather rambling blog post…I’m looking forward to a long weekend with our little family and some nice day trips in the planning, and then just one week left before we adopt the school routine once again. I’ve got a few ideas in the pipeline for a bit of ‘me time’ this coming year too, which I’ll sure be writing about because this blog is as much about my dealing with anxiety as it is about children and family.
P.S. Do you like the view? Having an early waking baby means I got the best sun rises while at Mums. A bit of time to feel peaceful and reflect.