Yesterday, I returned to work. With it, all the anxiety I have about doing my job, just landed. Driving there, it felt like it had never been away, the same knotted tummy, nausea and palpitations put me right back where I started.
I also realised that, not only did I feel nervous about what to expect, I also felt haunted by my past experience. I don’t mean that I had had many traumatic experiences as a doctor, but it was more that I felt hounded by my own anxiety. It’s something I just cannot shake off. I didn’t like the way that all of a sudden I was back to being a jittery wreck with no self confidence.
Being here made me see how much I’d lost of my former self! I’ve always struggled with the job, but even when I started I felt more able to do things than I do now. I couldn’t imagine going back to work on the hospital wards, busy and bustling with people and machines, or doing a night shift on call, run off my feet and barely having a moments break in 12 hours. Colleagues – I salute you! It’s been hard to admit that at least in the work environment, I am pretty much just a shadow of what I used to be.
Onwards and upwards! On the positive side, everyone I’ve spoken to since starting has been really kind, helpful, and genuinely interested to hear my plans about leaving and the reasons why. At the end of the day they completely understand the stress involved, even if it’s only a few of us who ultimately choose to leave altogether.
I’ve missed the babies like crazy and it has only been two days. Again though, on the plus side, Makena has adapted really well to not having me around 100% of the time and been great for her Daddy and Nana. The boys as always have just enjoyed being home and the novelty of someone other than Mummy to play with!
Muruthi learned to ride his bike without stabilizers yesterday, I’d been gone less than a day and he cracked it! Sad that I missed another ‘first’, but so so proud of his sheer determination! It won’t be long and I’ll be there for the kids 100% of the time. I know it’s not an option for many, or even a choice that every mum would make, but I know for me that it’s absolutely the right thing and I feel so lucky to have that opportunity.